Years ago when Jello Jay was but a tiny tot, his Mater discovered that Jello Jay had all the intelligence of a pet rock.
Knowing that someday he would eventually grow up, she bit her fingernails to the quick trying to divine some occupation for Jello Jay where little was expected of him and much more importantly, where he couldn't dissipate the Rockefeller family fortune, which Jello Jay, with his lack of intellect, showed every propensity for doing.
After many sleepless nights (caused more by her liking of double martinis than Jello Jay's problem), Mater Rockefeller stumbled on the solution.
"Ah-ha!" said she. "Let's have Jello Jay be a politician." And so she called in the family's tony, white-shoed Wall Street legal beagles and instructed them to find Jello Jay a political position that was:
- Suitable for the family's name and status.
- A position where he could do little harm to the family fortune.
- From a geographical location where little was expected, and less was delivered.
- And somewhere relatively cheap since Mater was kind of cheap herself.
After much to-ing and fro-ing, the tony, white-shoed Wall Street legal beagles came up with a solution. Jello Jay could for a minor insignificant financial investment, become a "Senator" from the hills of West Virginy. And once the West Virginy pols were paid their tribute of $25 and a half-gallon jug of Ol' Grandpappy, Jello Jay would become Senator Jello Jay of West Virginy.
After the money changed hands and a few gratuitous snorts of Ol' Grandpappy, Mater Rockefeller delivered Jello Jay to the train station for his departure to Washington, gave him a cuff on the ear, two dimes and a nickel, an old penny whistle and this advice: "Whatever you do Jello Jay, don't evah be playin' poker with anyone. You ain't got the sense the Lord gave a donkey. And keep your pecker in your pants too, 'cause I ain't leaving the family fortune to any descendants of yours, hell no!"
Jello Jay, happy to be let off the estate for the first time in his life, joyfully boarded the train to DC, and proceeded to lose the 25 cents, the penny whistle, his socks, and his virginity in a poker game with the train conductor and two room-service maids.
Upon his arrival in DC, Jello Jay was whisked into the Senate Majority Leader's office. The Mater's tony, white-shoed Wall Street legal beagles had called ahead to warn the Senate Majority Leader of both Jello Jay's imminent arrival and his "skills".
The Senate Majority Leader was sorely vexed by having Jello Jay put in his care, but with another minor insignificant financial investment of $25 and a half-gallon jug of Ol' Grandpappy, he resigned himself to "helping" assign the new Senator of West Virginy to a post befitting his "skills".
The Senate Majority Leader was reluctant to let Jello Jay anywhere near "Other People's Money" having been forewarned of Mater Rockefeller's similar reluctance to her own fortune. "Where can I best stick...ahmmm...place this boy to ensure no one else is harmed?" he said to himself.
And the one and only brilliant thought he ever had came suddenly to the Senate Majority Leader. "Ah know, ah'll jest place Jello Jay in as the Chairman of the Senate Intelligence Committee."
The reason why this was such a brilliant idea, was the very fact that the Senate Intelligence Committee was an oxymoron.
No committee of the Senate was more kept in the dark than was the Senate Intelligence Committee. The Senate Intelligence Committee was always told lies by the Administration and its pet Intelligence agencies because that's what spies do for a living.
And additionally, none of the "Other People's Money" could ever be spent, because the Intelligence budget was itself necessarily a secret. A secret kept from the Senate Intelligence Committee in order to protect it from knowing anything that might be secret.
To be continued...
