The Speech that Fizzled. orTo Sheep: perchance to dream...

We join the giddy crew but moments after the camera's red light goes out:

Just Joshin': Bravo! Bravo Mr. Preznitwit! You were just fabulous Mr. Preznitwit. Simply fabulous!

Junya: Hot diggety! Ah didn't say "Betray Us" even once. Ah almost did...but havin' Barney bite mah ankle was jest purrfect. Now could ya hep me pry 'em loose?

Just Joshin': Coitenly, Mr. Preznitwit. Just slowly uncross your legs and I'll fire the dart gun.

Junya: Easy now Barney, ya won't feel a thing. Ah never do when Laura Belle puts me to sleep.

Barney: Yip, yip...arrghhooooo...zzzzzzzzz.

Junya: Ah waz thinkin' that mebbe ah should reward the sodgers for keepin' me...ahmmmm...the country safe, doncha think?

Just Joshin': Oh, coitenly, Mr. Preznitwit. We could even have another...ahmmmm..."speech" in primetime.

Junya: Ah was thinkin' mebbe a Preznitwit...ahmmmm...proc...ahmmmm...proctologist?

Just Joshin': You mean a proclamation? Oh, coitenly, Mr. Preznitwit. A fabulous idea! You're just fabulous Mr. Preznitwit.

Junya: Ah could say ah'm gonna reward 'em by shipping some Fizzies to the sodgers.

Just Joshin': Fizzies Mr. Preznitwit? They stopped making those in 1969.

Junya: Heck no! Ah have Fizzies every nite before ah go to bed. The white ones with lil' blue specks. Ah found a whole mess of 'em in mah bathroom closet.

Just Joshin': OMG Mr. Preznitwit! Those aren't Fizzies; those are toilet bowl cleaners.

Junya: Huh? Ya sure they ain't Peppermint Fizzies? They's mighty refreshin'.

Just Joshin': Oh, coitenly, Mr. Preznitwit. Then I'll make a note to send some of those "Fizzies" to the soldiers.

Junya: And don't be forgetin' that...ahmmmm...proctologist.

Just Joshin': Oh, coitenly, Mr. Preznitwit. Let me get the make-up girl to remove your facepaint.

Junya: Ya don't need to. Laura Belle wants me to be Lil' Bo Peep tonite. Wakeup Barney. Time to get your sheep suit on again...heh, heh.

Barney: Yip, yip...baaaaaaa.

And as we once again count our...ahmmmm...blessings, we bid adieu to the First Bo Peep and his nocturnal doings...ahmmmm...counting...ahmmmm...sheep.

Bill Writing for Dummies Democrats or Stand up, you spineless, craven worms!

My take on how to write some decent Defense Authorization legislation that would force Junya's hand on the Iraq War:

Defense Authorization bill...blahdee, blahdee, blah. Here's the $50 to $150 billion you requested, how-feckin'-ever,

Section Such and Such - Under no circumstances can any of the monies provided in this legislation be used to transport troops into the Iraq Theater of Operations (ITO) by air, land or sea, by any means what-so-ever. Funding in this bill is available for the removal of troops from the ITO, but not for transport into the ITO.

This bill explicitly prohibits any troop transport into the ITO. None! Nada! Zilch!

The penalities for violating this law are:

A. If any member of the military should violate this law, that person shall:
- be immediately dishonorably discharged from the military,
- reduced in rank to Buck Private,
- lose all government pension rights,
- immediately be sentenced to 15 years at hard labor in Fort Leavenworth with absolutely no possibility of parole, pardon, nor reduction of sentence for any reason.

B. If any civilian member of the executive branch, its departments and/or agencies in an appointive or Civil Service position violates this law, that person shall:
- be immediately fired from the government,
- lose all government pension rights,
- immediately be sentenced to 25 years in a Federal penitentiary at hard labor with absolutely no possibility of parole, pardon, nor reduction of sentence for any reason,
-and fined $10 million dollars.

C. If any elected civilian member of the executive branch violates this law, that person shall:
- be immediately impeached and removed from any position in government,
- lose all government and private pension rights,
- immediately be sentenced to Life in a Federal penitentiary at hard labor with absolutely no possibility of parole, pardon, nor reduction of sentence for any reason,
- and have all personal and family assets and monies stripped in accordance with the RICO statute and said assets and monies be used to feebly compensate all who have lost or have suffered grievous injuries to their loved ones.

D. Should any person by action or inaction, challenge the legality of this legislation, the Majority Leaders of either the House or the Senate, as well as the Chairs of the Armed Services Committees shall have all standing to pursue any challenge in Federal court.

Junya, sign right here___________________

If you veto this bill, there ain't gonna be another and you, turkey, will have shutdown our military!

On a continent far, far away, the Chief Party Animal got loose:

G'day Mates! This is Sydney Action News Channel 13.

First up, an interview with the visiting Texas Terror, who's joined us here in Oz down-under for...well...ahmmm...you be the judge:

Mr. Preznitwit, could you tell us what you are doing here?

Me and the Princess are here on our honeymoon. Whooops...ah mean me and Condi are here at this here OPEC conference. Whooops...ah mean me and Condi are here in Austria to elope on the ski slopes. Whooops...ah mean me and Condi are here...jest WTF are we doin' here Condi honey?

Oh yeah, now ah remember. Laura Belle had a pain in the neck, so she tol' me to git outa town fer a while.

So here ah am, gettin' some ass...whooops...ah mean kickin' some ass.

Next, we gonna be wrasslin' some kangaroos...in jello...with Condi...whooops...mebbe you'd better be drivin' Condi honey?

Condi "Still technically a virgin" Rice had no comment. Neither did the kangaroos.

Repug Re-run Redux. or Where have you seen this before?

Imagine you're at Der Rump-and-Steal-Scheme Conservative candidate debate. Let's say in...ahmmm...1930's Germany. The candidates are gunning back Schnapps while prancing around the campfire composed of burning books. And here's what they're saying:

-Mitt Romney, while wistfully admitting he never was a soldier, fondly reminisces about all the "great times" he had in Der Junya Youth.

-Tom Tancredo brags about his days running the streets with the Brown Shirts. Brandishing his truncheon, he vows that "no foreigners would ever slip across his borders."

-John McCain speaks with tearful pride about serving in the Great War with Der Corporal. Captured and taken prisoner by Limeys, he always refused their meals of rare roast beef. Insisted on dining on gruel, "the waterier, the better."

-Rudy Giuliani, "Il Ducke", pounds the lecturn, folds his arms, and forcefully insists that "the subways always ran on time when I was in charge".

-Duncan Hunter insists that "a pre-emptive attack against somebody, anybody, before they attack us" is just what this country needs.

-Fred Thompson, startled from a doze, fixes his false teeth, smiles and in a gravelly voice says he's "jest a good ol' country boy and rock farmer from Southern Bavaria."

And they said that if you don't learn from history, you're doomed to repeat it. Mulligans, arrrrrghhhh!